Ranma Jijou, Part Deux
                       (Ranma Squared,  Part Two)

              A Silly Ranma 1/2 Fan-fiction by Dov Sherman

Ranma 1/2 and its characters are all copyright and trademark to Rumiko
Takahashi to whom this fan-fiction is dedicated.

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                   Chapter 3: From Ranma with Love

A light drizzle pattered steadily on the sidewalk as Kunou strode
aimlessly about the neighborhood, lost in thought.

"Ah, my sweet Akane," he spoke, seeing the image of his beloved as a
translucent phantom floating against the sky before him.  "Your
strength and beauty are unrivalled, like the mythical Valkyrie bringing
swiftly forth both punishment and pulchritude.  I shall love thee until
the rivers of the world run dry."

The floating image of Akane was joined by that of the Pig-Tailed girl.
"Oh, but, my Pig-Tailed Goddess!  You are my Helen of Troy; for you I
would sink a thousand ships and gladly go down on every one of them only
to see you smile.  I wouldst love thee until the end of time..."

The two images swirled about before him.  "Akane... Pig-Tailed Girl...
Akane... Pig-Tailed Girl... Akane... Pig-Tailed Girl..."  The images
flickered and vanished.  Kunou spun about angrily.  "Sasuke!  What is
the meaning of this?"

Sasuke cringed away, clutching a slide projector.  "My apologies, Master
Kunou, but we appear to have run out of extension cord and rain has
seeped in, burning out the projection bulb."

"Very well.  In truth, it does not matter for their lovely visages are
long-burned into the retinas of my mind."  Kunou turned back to face the
way he had been heading.  "Both of them are so dear to me, however can I
choose between them?!"  Kunou turned and struck an expository pose
toward the street, imagining Akane before him.  "Akane, so graceful and
lithe, as the romping nymph..."

He turned away from the street to face the Pig-Tailed girl eating a
sandwich under a tree in the park.  "But what of the robustness of my
angelic Pig-Tailed Girl?"  Kunou blinked in realization.  "Pig-Tailed
Girl!!!"

The Pig-Tailed Girl looked up from her meal at the rapidly charging
Kunou and his outstretched arms.  "Uh oh, I'd forgotten about him." She
shoved the last few bites of her sandwich into her mouth and reached for
her belongings but it was too late.

"Oh, Pig-Tailed Girl!" Kunou cried.  He quickly swept her into his arms,
shocking the Pig-Tailed Girl so badly she started to gag on a piece of
sandwich which had become lodged in her throat.  "How I have longed to
see thee again!"

"Yaaagghhh!!!!"  The Pig-Tailed Girl cried out, planting her fist in
Kunou's face and broke free of his grip.

"Oh my Venus, I would hold thee to mineself forever.  Sasuke, bring me
the Big Red chewing gum!"

Kunou's wealth bought him many things and among them was a ridiculously
large quantity of the American chewing gum `Big Red' which was always
advertised showing couples kissing for absurdly extended periods of
time, supposedly because the gum made their breath so fresh.  Realizing
what Kunou must have in mind, the Pig-Tailed Girl shouted,  "Hey!  Now,
wait a minute!  Er, I mean, don't you think that's a bit presumptuous?
Hey, you little ninja creep, stop trying to put that gum in my mouth!"

"But, my Goddess, my red-headed Aphrodite, to date with you would be the
purest rapture!"

The Pig-Tailed Girl shivered in disgust and tried to think of a quick
way to get rid of this creep.  She paused and said, "Oh, yes. Yes, of
course, Kunou... darling (bleagh).  I'd luh...lurhghh... looo...ve to go
on a date with you but I can't right now.  Just look at me, I'm not
dressed for such an honor.  Why don't you let me go home and change into
something more appropriate while you wait here?"

"But of course, my love," Kunou said.  "While I find it impossible to
imagine you ever looking more beautiful than you do now, and I must say
your new outfit is very attractive, I shall abide by your wishes."  He
bowed to the Pig-Tailed Girl and reached behind his back to produce a
bouquet of roses which he held out as he bowed. "Take these to comfort
yourself while we are apart.  I shall count every moment until you
return though, a moment without you will seem as a thousand years."

The Pig-Tailed Girl pushed her bandanna which had fallen loose back into
place and took the bouquet hesitantly and backed away.  "Yes, Kunou...
sweetie, you wait *right here* and don't leave until I get back and I'll
go and... uh... pretty myself up, okay?"

Kunou bowed so deeply his head almost touched the ground.  "As you wish,
Megami-san."

The Pig-Tailed Girl shouldered her backpack and ran quickly out of the
park and around the corner of a building.  Kunou settled himself under
the tree in a meditative position and began moving his lips silently.

Sasuke watched but couldn't see what he was saying.  "Forgive me, Master
Kunou, but what are you doing?"

Kunou turned angrily.  "I'm counting the moments as I promised, you
fool!  And now you've made me lose count.  I'll have to start over.
Ahem, one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand,
four-one-thousand..."

Sasuke shook his head.  Mad, absolutely mad.  But it was his sworn duty
as the ninth generation of ninja to work loyally for the Kunou clan.  At
least he wasn't with Kodachi today.  She was even worse than her
brother.

Sasuke looked up from his thoughts to see the Pig-Tailed Girl strolling
into the park from the opposite direction wearing her usual red chinese
shirt with gold ties rather than the ill-fitting yellow shirt she'd been
wearing a few moments ago.  "That's strange," he thought.  "It can't
have even been a full minute and she's back already and wearing a
completely different outfit, too.  Actually, I really didn't expect her
to come back at all after that transparent escape trick but still, that
was too quick!"

"Pig-Tailed Girl!"  Kunou had also noticed her return.  "You've returned
to me, like General Patton only much prettier!  My heart swells with
joy!"  He leapt to his feet and ran to embrace her.

The Pig-Tailed Girl looked up from her triple scoop ice cream cone with
sprinkles.  "Ugh!  Get away from me, you creep!" she shouted as she
kicked Kunou under the chin, sending him sailing toward the horizon. The
Pig-Tailed Girl flipped backward as she followed through on her kick and
landed deftly a few paces back, still holding her ice cream, not
spilling a single scoop or sprinkle.  "Jerk."

Sasuke darted after the quickly vanishing Kunou.  "Yes," he muttered as
he ran down the street.  "That is more in keeping with expectations."

From the darkness of a awning covered doorway, the first Pig-Tailed Girl
watched Sasuke run down the street after his master.  When she was sure
he was gone, she peeked around the corner of the building to see the
second Pig-Tailed Girl who was walking away from her and the park atop a
fence while happily enjoying the last few bites of her ice cream cone.
"Oh, jeez, that was too close.  A hentai jerk like Ranma probably likes
that stuff but I'm sure not gonna put up with it.  I gotta find some hot
water."

She stepped out of the shadows and started down the sidewalk and turned
into the first restaurant she came to.

"WOUDA AIREN!"  The Pig-Tailed Girl was knocked to the floor of the
restaurant by Shampoo's sudden embrace.

"Sh... Shampoo!  Uh... hi.  Uh..."

"Ranma come see Shampoo!  Shampoo happy!"  Shampoo smiled at the
Pig-Tailed Girl then noticed her clothing for the first time.  She
fingered the black-check, yellow bandanna and glanced down at the yellow
bindings wrapped around the Pig-Tailed Girl's pant legs.  "Uh, why Ranma
wear Ryouga-clothes?"

"Because, Granddaughter," came Cologne's voice.  "He is not what he
appears to be."  Cologne hopped into view on her staff, holding a kettle
of hot water.  She poured the kettle over the Pig-Tailed Girl. "Isn't
that true, Ryouga?"

Shampoo released her embrace and sat back on the floor.  Ryouga shook a
few drops of water from his hair and looked at his reflection in the
window of the restaurant.  In the window, he could only see Ranma's
horrible face staring back at him.  "I... I don't know anymore."





                         Chapter 4: Ryouga 1/2

Cologne watched Ryouga/Ranma from across the table as he picked at his
bowl of ramen, collecting his thoughts.  "It wasn't easy picking a wish
and I thought I had it worked out but this really wasn't what I had in
mind.  `I wish I were the man that Akane loves', I said.  But, dammit,
this *wasn't* what I meant!"  Ryouga cried, punctuating by slamming his
fist on the table, upsetting his bowl and spilling hot soup across his
legs.  "It's taken me weeks just to get back to Tokyo.  Weeks, stuck in
the body of that jerk.  Seeing his disgusting face every time I look in
a mirror.  And not only am I cursed with his ugly face but his pathetic
physique.  I'm not used to having such a weak body and his cursed form
is even worse!  Arrrgghhh!!!  What am I going to do?  I can't let Akane
see me like this!  How could I explain it?  If I told her about the
wishing spring... I mean, how can I look her in the face and tell her
that I look this way because she really loves..."  Ryouga looked at
Cologne and Shampoo helplessly, his eyes full of desperation.  In his
angst, Ryouga slammed his head down against the table and began beating
his fists against his head.

"Then it really true?"  Shampoo asked.  "You Ryouga, not Ranma?"

"Yes, it's true."  Ryouga bowed his head shamefully.

Cologne hopped from her chair and paced the room, balancing skillfully
on her staff.  "I'd heard of Megusenkyou but I'd assumed it was only a
legend.  Then again, I'd thought the curse of Jusenkyou was only a
legend until I travelled there with Shampoo."  Cologne turned toward
toward Ryouga.  "If the legends are true, this is strong magic indeed. I
do not know how to help you, Ryouga, and it is a pity.  You are a strong
warrior and of much use in helping to keep Son-in-Law challenged.
Additionally, you are his strongest rival for Akane's affections."

Ryouga blushed.  "Am I?  I mean, do you really think so?"

"Yes.  That is why it such a shame that we shall have to lose you.  You
must leave Japan and never return."

Ryouga looked at Cologne in shock.  "WHAT?!  You can't seriously think
I'd leave Akane with that... that... BEAST!  If you want to get rid of
me..."  Ryouga rose to his feet and assumed a fighting stance.  "You'll
have to KILL me first!!!"

Cologne sighed and tossed Ryouga across the room with her staff.  "You
misunderstand me, Sonny."  She hopped over to stand over Ryouga's prone
body.  "Ryouga will leave Japan.  You, however, shall remain here.  Your
little mistake could prove more fortuitous than you realize.  Allow me
to demonstrate."  Cologne hopped over to the kitchen door and pushed it
open.  "Oh, Mousse," she called "Ranma has come to take Shampoo on a
date."

The crash of fallen dishes sounded in the kitchen and Cologne nimbly
hopped away from the door as an enraged Mousse barrelled into the dining
area. "Ranma!  You cretinous swine!"  He swung an arm out and Ryouga
barely managed to scramble out of the way of his barrage of throwing
knifes, ninja stars, and potato peelers.  "How dare you try to steal
away my Shampoo!"

Ryouga leapt to his feet and unleashes his own barrage of bandannas.
Mousse produced a large cooking wok, deflecting the attack.  He squared
his glasses safely over his eyes and said, "You don't really think that
pathetic disguise would fool me, do you?!"  Mousse leapt into the air
toward Ryouga.

Cologne swung her staff around, batting Mousse out of the air and
against a wall, knocking him instantly unconscious.  "I think that will
be enough for now, Mousse."  Cologne faced Ryouga.  "As you can see,
anyone lacking my vast knowledge and experience would be easily fooled
by your new form.  It would be wise to use this to the advantage of both
yourself and Shampoo."

Ryouga eyed the sleeping Mousse warily and nodded.  "Okay, I'm
listening."

"I wish for Ranma to marry my granddaughter.  The Tendos wish Ranma to
marry Akane.  With you acting as a double, we can create a situation in
which Ranma believes he is no longer welcome in the Tendo household
which will free him to marry Shampoo.  It will then be a simple matter
for you to take his place as Akane's fiance' with none the wiser."

"I think I understand."  Ryouga paced the restaurant and considered
Cologne's proposal.  "To marry Akane, that would truly be bliss.  But
I'd have to do it as Ranma.  I'd have to carry his horrible face for the
rest of my life.  Every time I look in the mirror, I'd see Ranma... What
a nightmare!"  Ryouga closed his eyes and stood with his hands clenched
at his sides.  "I don't like the idea of being Ranma for the rest of my
life but, for Akane's sake, I'll do it."

"A wise choice, `Ranma'."

Cologne used her staff to flick a pitcher of water from the counter onto
Mousse then picked him up by his webbed feet and held him at arm's
length.  She handed the sleeping duck to Shampoo.  "Mousse's ignorance
of this deceit is vital to its success.  Lock him up in the usual place
while we formulate our plan."




[Read this in Akane's voice yet again...]

That Megusenkyou spring doesn't know what it's talking about!  I do NOT
love that jerk Ranma and if Cologne thinks she's going to fool me with
another one of her stupid schemes...  Next time on Ranma 1/2, "Easy
Ranma"  See you there!