Ranma Jijou, Part Trois (Ranma Squared, Part Three) A Silly Ranma 1/2 Fan-fiction by Dov Sherman Ranma 1/2 and its characters are all copyright and trademark to Rumiko Takahashi to whom this fan-fiction is dedicated. ___ ___ ,-~~~ ~-. ,-~ ~~~-. / \ / \ | | | | | | | | | \_(\_, | | ._/)_/ | \_| .\ /|) / \ (|) /. |_/ )`' \|\ \ _ _ / /' -'(_ \ ` ~-_ \ ( ~. .~ ) / _-~ / ~---'\_-\ \ `-._//~` '~\\_.-' /_/~\\____/ >- `.`-.__/ \__.-'~ |/ / \ Chapter 5: Easy Ranma As Ryouga walked down the sidewalk, he glanced over at Shampoo walking beside him. "Are you sure this plan is gonna work?" Shampoo nodded. "Great grandmother very wise. Plan great grandmother plan. Plan work!" It still sounded pretty iffy to Ryouga but it was better than anything he could have come up with. He just hoped that old crone knew what she was getting him into. Pointing to an intersection ahead, Shampoo said, "Kunou pass this way when Kunou go home. Ryouga wait here for first part plan." Ryouga looked at the corner he thought Shampoo had indicated, nodded, and headed toward it. Before he could get too far, Shampoo quickly took him by the shoulders and spun him around to face the correct direction and watched him carefully until he reached the intersection. With a quick wink to her accomplice, Shampoo hopped up onto a nearby wall and then into the concealing branches of a tree where she could watch the encounter without being observed. In the intersection, Ryouga glanced about nervously and checked a clock in the window of a corner shop. School would have just ended a few minutes ago so Kunou should be along pretty soon. Ryouga looked at his reflection in the shop's window. It was still Ranma's face staring back at him, turning his stomach. But it was a necessary hardship and, as a warrior, he couldn't let himself buckle under the strain. Ryouga tugged at the hem of his Chinese shirt and smoothed out the wrinkles in his pants. He wasn't used to wearing long pants without his leg bindings but it was necessary for his disguise to be convincing. From head to toe, he had the face, the body, and the clothing of Ranma Saotome. How revolting. Just looking at this image of his most hated enemy in the reflecting surface of the window sickened him to the point of nausea. To think that this horrific face was now his own. Ranma's glassy eyes, replacing his own thoughtful gaze. Ranma's sneering lips here; forever gone his own warm smile. That weak chin, the delicate cheekbones, he was stuck with them now. "Salutations, Ranma Saotome." Ryouga spun around to face Kunou. This was it. Time to put part one of Cologne's plan into action. The basic idea, as Ryouga understood it, was to make life in Tokyo as unbearable as possible for Ranma so that he'd actually want to leave Japan and return to China with Shampoo. This was to be done by arranging as many unpleasantries as they were able to. This first part should be fairly easy. He just had to make his act convincing. Think like Ranma. Imitate Ranma's rude manners and speech. What did Ranma's voice sound like? Ryouga had always thought it sounded Strangely like a masculine woman's voice. Unsure of how easily he could pass for Ranma, he just hoped speaking as naturally as he could would suffice and the changes the Megusenkyou spring had worked on him would do the rest. He just had to imitate Ranma's speech patterns and mannerisms as best he could. Ryouga leaned against the window, crossing his arms. "Yo, Kunou! How's it going, dude?" "You will address me as `sempai', Saotome." Ryouga wiped his nose with his sleeve and spat up some phlegm onto the sidewalk. He hoped it was convincing. "Yeah, whatever." "How the swine does wallow in its filth... your manners are unbefitting even of a peasant, Saotome. Now stand aside so that I may continue my perambulations." "Not so fast, `semPAN'." Good insult. He just hoped he wasn't going too far, calling Kunou a war criminal instead of an upperclassman. Still, it was the kind of thing Ranma would do and he had to be sure his performance was believable. Ryouga belched loudly and said, "You still after that pig-tailed girl, Kunou?" Kunou glared at him angrily. "You know well that I love her, Saotome. As does she I. It is only your base treachery which keeps her from rushing to my arms as is her wont. Yes, I love her. What of it?" Ryouga shook his head. "Okay, then. She's yours. I won't stand in your way." Kunou blinked. "If this be some trickery, my vengeance shall be truly terrible, Saotome. Do not trifle with the Blue Thunder!" Ryouga dug a finger into his nose. "No trick, Kunou. Take her. Do whatever you like. She'll probably be at the Tendo Dojo tonight if you want to find her. Doesn't matter to me in the least. Oh, and be sure to pinch her butt a lot. She likes that." Kunou eyed Ryouga suspiciously. A light breeze tousled his hair. "So, you have finally admitted your impotence in standing between my goddess and myself. I must admit I did not expect your arrogance and ignorance to ever allow such a thing to pass." "Oh, yeah. Well, you know me, I've got plenty other chicks hanging around. What's one more or less? They all look pretty much the same lying down, right?" Ryouga made a crudely suggestive gesture with his arm and waggled his eyebrows. He was really into the role now. It was difficult because he knew that he was not himself so depraved or disgusting as Ranma and it pained him to have to act so. What would Akane say if she saw him like this? "You are truly wiser than I suspected," Kunou said. "Only a wise man knows when his defeat is so inevitable. Very well, I accept your surrender of the pig-tailed girl. You may tell her that I shall call upon her at the Tendo Dojo this evening. Now I shall take my leave of you, Saotome. I have much to prepare for my love's homecoming." Kunou stepped past Ryouga and continued down the street. As Ryouga watched him go, it was hard to tell but there may have been a little more bounce in his step. He was able to confirm it when, about a block away, Kunou broke out into a full, skipping gait and danced gleefully around the corner. "What a weirdo." Ryouga grinned. "They deserve each other." Turning away from the intersection, Ryouga strolled back to where Shampoo was watching. That took care of part one of their plan. With Kunou's interest in the `Pig-Tailed Girl' increased, Ranma was sure to start feeling the pressure to leave. Now it was time to put part two into action. Chapter 6: The Good, the Bad, and the Ukyou "Ryouga! Where you go?" Shampoo leapt down from the wall where she'd been running to catch up with Ryouga. Ryouga looked up in surprise. "Shampoo! Where have you been? I went back to the tree where you'd been hiding but somebody moved it! Anyway, I took care of Kunou. What do we do next?" Shampoo grinned evilly. "Now get rid Ranma's friendship!" Taking Ryouga by the arm, she stalked down the street toward a familiar restaurant. Ryouga looked up at the sign beside the doorway. "The Ucchan... Ah, we're up to this part of the plan. Okay, Shampoo, you go ahead and set up what needs to be done for phase three while I take care of this." Shampoo nodded to Ryouga and headed off down the street. After watching her go, Ryouga took a deep breath and tried to get into character. Ukyou and Ranma had known each other a long time. Fooling her would be a real challenge. Ryouga gritted his teeth, girded his loins, and pushed open the door of the restaurant. "Yo! Ukyou!" Ryouga stood in the doorway, a smirk on his face. Ukyou looked up from her cooking and smiled brightly. "Ran-chan! What a pleasure to have you in my restaurant! Please," she said, waving Ryouga to a seat at an open table. "Have a seat. I'll make you the house specialty!" Ryouga strutted arrogantly to the stool and clambered up. "Yeah, well, don't expect me to pay or nothing. I'm broke." Ukyou smiled. "Don't worry, Ran-chan. For a friend like you, it's on the house." "Whatever. Just make it quick, I ain't got all day. Gotta meet Akane later." Only the faintest twitch in Ukyou's face let him know he'd touched a nerve. Ukyou and Ranma were very close and it took a lot to turn her against him. Her devotion to that creep was sickening. If Ryouga was going to wreck Ranma and Ukyou's friendship, he'd have to do better than that. Ukyou could forgive almost anything Ranma might say. She could forgive his selfishness, forgive his rudeness. Not that that meant it was okay for Ryouga to stop feigning rudeness. Not if he wanted to be convincing in his portrayal of Ranma Saotome. Ryouga openly scratched at his crotch while he watched Ukyou cooking. He'd be glad when this ruse was over with. All this false rudeness was really starting to get to him. "There you go! One Okonomiyaki Special!" Ukyou flipped the okonomiyaki onto a plate and set it down in front of Ryouga with a flourish. It looked and smelled delicious. Ryouga looked at the okonomiyaki for a moment. Ukyou had written "To Ran-chan, with love" in sauce on it. It was sickening. Everyone liked Ranma. Shampoo liked Ranma. Ukyou liked Ranma. Akane lov... liked Ranma. What made him so likable? The message on his plate only emphasized the difficulty he'd face trying to hurt Ukyou. There was nothing Ukyou cared about more than Ranma. Nothing except.... Ryouga's head snapped up and he glared at her. "What the hell's this supposed to be? Still writing me love-letters on okonomiyaki? Why don't you grow up and start trying to be just a little bit business-like?" Ukyou drew back in shock. Ranma insulting her business sense? But he knew how important her business was to her. How could he say something like that? "Jeez, smells like shit." Ryouga lied. Ukyou gasped. She glanced up at some of the waiting customers who were listening to his complaints. Ryouga took a bite of the okonomiyaki, made a face and spat it out onto the floor. "Tastes like shit too! Amazing you can sucker people into paying for this crap..." Ukyou's jaw fell open. "Ran... Ran-chan... how could you... I thought we were friends!" She looked to the door where the customers just arriving were leaving after hearing Ryouga's description of the food. "Wait! He didn't mean it! Don't listen to him. He's just in a bad mood!" Ryouga could see the tears starting to well up in her eyes but he pressed on. "No, I'm not. This tastes awful." Ukyou fell back a step, covering her open mouth with a hand. It was working. He'd found Ukyou's weak point. The one thing she cared about more than anything else in the world: her business. Okonomiyaki was her life. She'd given up all the pursuits most girls her age would have, dating boys, hanging out with friends, fancy clothes, to pursue her art. Now she was reeling from his attack. She couldn't defend herself against an assault so close to her heart. Now was the time for the final blow. Ryouga stood from his seat, leaned across the counter toward her, and sneered, "Akane could do better!" That was it. That was the final straw. The last nail in the coffin. Ukyou started to reach for her combat spatula but couldn't find the strength. She looked at the floor in silence. When she finally spoke it was so quiet as to be barely audible. "Get out, Ranma. I don't know why you're doing this... I don't want to know. Just... just go." This was wrong. Ryouga realized how badly he'd hurt her. He wasn't a mean person. Ukyou buried her face in her hands. He began to reach out to her but realized, if he apologized now, if he gave in, the plan would fail and his insults would have been for nothing. This plan was his last hope to win Akane's heart. It was the most important thing in the world right now. Still, how could have been so callous? Insulting her cooking and business-sense had been really hitting below the belt. It just wasn't like him. Was being in Ranma's body starting to affect him? Was he starting to think like Ranma? It frightened him how easily acting out the part was coming. He glanced back at Ukyou and could see her shoulders heave as she tried to stifle her sobs in her hands. Ryouga bowed his head and walked out the door. Out on the sidewalk, the customers who had left were still discussing where to go instead of the Ucchan. Maybe Ryouga couldn't repair all the damage he'd done in his attack on Ukyou but, he could do at least this much. "Excuse me. I... I wasn't really myself in there. Don't leave. The food here is great. I just wasn't myself." They stared at him, shrugged, and headed back into the restaurant. Ryouga nodded to himself. He'd tried. That's what mattered. Picking a direction at random, Ryouga headed back toward the Nekohanten and phase three of the plan. From a nearby corner, a Turn Left sign watched him go. When it was sure Ryouga didn't know he was being observed, it sprouted legs and followed him. [Read this in Akane's voice while envisioning quick clips from an upcoming episode]: What's this? A free dinner at the Nekohanten? Sounds pretty suspicious to me! Next time on Ranma 1/2, "And Akane Makes Three" Don't miss it!