Ranma Jijou, Part Quatre
                       (Ranma Squared, Part Four)

              A Silly Ranma 1/2 Fan-fiction by Dov Sherman

Ranma 1/2 and its characters are all copyright and trademark to Rumiko
Takahashi to whom this fan-fiction is dedicated.

                            _..._.--.
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                        /        ,.   |
                       /         )|   /
                      |        _| '",/
                       |      /\   )|,
                       \     /\''  ,\
                        \_  (\,   ~ /
                          `. ~\   -~
                            ~~~|  | ,~\
                             '~\`-..\\ \
                            /  `\    )\(
                          .~.   |`--~  |
                           \\   \
                            |~-T~


                    Chapter 7: And Akane Makes Three

Soun, Genma, Ranma, and Nabiki stood in a conspiratorial huddle outside
the kitchen door.  From within, they could hear the sounds of breaking
dishes, smell the scent of burning vegetables, and feel the searing heat
of the occasional grease fire.  Their worst nightmares had returned.
Akane was cooking dinner.

Soun's eyes narrowed.  "We've got to do something!  A man my age can't
survive this kind of torture too often."

"Ya got that right."  Ranma shook his head.  "No way am I gonna eat that
tomboy's toxic goulash."

"How dare you say that about my little girl, Ranma!"  Soun grabbed Ranma
by his shirt front and shook him violently.

"Hey!"  Ranma held up his arms defensively.  "I'm just repeating what
you said!"

Genma adjusted his glasses.  "That may be true but she's still your
fiancee', Ranma."

"Which she wouldn't be if you'd bothered to ask me first!  You think I'd
marry an uncute tomboy that can't even cook?!"

"Don't look at me."  Nabiki stated.  "I told you we should go out for
dinner, didn't I?"

Soun cried out, on the verge of tears.  "Nabiki!  You know we can't
afford to eat out every time she tries to cook!"

Their calm debate was interrupted by the sudden explosion of the front
door.  Ranma, Genma, and Soun rushed to the foyer where Shampoo stood
amid the scattered, broken remains of the door.  Nabiki strolled calmly
after them.

"Nihao!"  Shampoo smiled brightly and waved.  A twisted door hinge
dropped from the warped frame and clattered to the floor.

"Sh... Shampoo!  Uh... hi.  Uh," Ranma stammered.

Soun turned angrily to Ranma.  "Did you invite that Amazon to my house
again?!  If I can't afford to take us out to dinner, what makes you
think I can afford the repairs to the house every time she comes over?"

"Hey!"  Ranma stamped a foot in anger.  "Her coming over's got nothin'
to do with me!  I got no idea!  Why don't you at least ask her why she's
here before blaming me?!"

Shampoo reached into her blouse and drew out a small card.  "Shampoo
bring invitation.  Whole family come to Nekohanten for dinner tonight!"

Ranma took the card and glanced at it.  "A free dinner?  What for?
Sounds pretty suspicious if ya ask me."

Soun snatched the card out of Ranma's hand.  "Free!"  He burst into
tears of joy.  "Now that's a dinner out I can afford!"

Genma grabbed the card to keep it from getting too soaked.  "Free
dinner?  All we can eat?  It would be rude to refuse."

Ranma whacked his father on the back of the head and caught the card as
it fell.  "You don't really think we're just getting a free dinner for
nothin', do ya?  They're up to somethin'.  I just know it."

Nabiki plucked the card from Ranma's hand.  "Now, now, Ranma.  You
should never turn down anything free."

"Besides, father's right," Kasumi said as she stepped into the foyer and
took the card from Nabiki.  "It would be rude to refuse an invitation.
How very generous of you to invite us, Shampoo."

"What are you talking about?!"  Akane stomped into the foyer and grabbed
the card in a ketchup-soaked fist.  "I've been cooking for over an hour!
How can you even think of going out to dinner?!"

Ranma glanced at Akane's apron.  He could recognize the splotches of
mayonnaise and ketchup, the bits of dessert gelatin, and the scorched
squid tentacle draped across one shoulder.  The luminescent green gook
dripping from the end of the twisted metal spoon in Akane's hand worried
him.  With a bit of imagination and a quick analysis of the acrid scent
drifting in from the kitchen, Ranma came to a quick decision.  "Well, it
_would_ be rude to turn them down..."

"And it's not rude to refuse my dinner after I spend all day making
it?!" Akane screamed angrily.  "If you think there's something wrong
with my cooking, why don't you just say it?!"

Ranma held up his hands in a placating gesture.  "Hey, that's not what I
said!"  He scowled and mumbled to himself, "Jeez, why does she always
have to twist around every little thing that I say?"

"What was that?  I'm not deaf, Ranma!"  Akane bounced her spoon off
Ranma's head.

"OWWW!!!  What'd ya have to do that for, you stupid tomboy?!"

"Who are you calling a tomboy, you pervert?!"

"Hey!  I told you not to call me that!"

"I only call you a pervert because you ARE a pervert, pervert!"

"Says you, you uncute tomboy!"

"Pervert!  Moron!"

Shampoo stood in the remains of the doorway and smiled, watching the
"happy couple."  This might be easier than they thought.



                    Chapter 8: The Ramens of the Day

It had been well over an hour since Ryouga had left Ukyou's restaurant
and he was, yet again, hopelessly lost.  Luckily, he was at least able
to avoid going in circles by avoiding the numerous car wrecks along the
streets he had followed.  It was strange but it seemed like every couple
of minutes, he'd hear the blare of horns and the squeal of tires, turn
around, and see a car smash into the side of a building or another car.
It was all these Turn Left signs.  Ryouga thought it pretty weird that
he hadn't noticed so many Turn Left signs in the area before but every
time he turned around he was sure to see one and usually in a pretty
stupid place.  Whoever was in charge of traffic for this district ought
to have his head examined.

Ryouga wandered around until dark.  He was starting to worry that he
might not make it to the Nekohanten in time to finish the plan.  Shampoo
would have invited the Tendos and Saotomes to the restaurant and he had
to be there himself if they were going to put the final phase of the
plan into action.  Ryouga looked around the darkened alley and pounded
his fists on a trash can in frustration.  "AAARRRGGHH!!!  Why can't I
ever get where I'm going?!!"

He turned to leave the alley when the alley door of one of the buildings
opened and someone threw a bucket of dirty water into the alley, soaking
him completely.  Ryouga spun about and shouted in his now female voice,
"Hey!  Watch it there!"

Mousse set down his mop and bucket and fixed his glasses over his eyes.
"Ranma?  What are you doing out here in the alley?  I thought you were
in the dining room?"

Mousse's glasses flew from his face as he was knocked to the ground by
Cologne who now balanced deftly on her staff on Mousse's back.  "Ranma,
so here you are."  Cologne hopped into the alley on her staff and
balanced next to Ryouga.  Leaning in close she whispered, "Ryouga,
you've severely endangered our plan by arriving so late."  She produced
a kettle of hot water and handed it to Ryouga.  "Now change back and
hurry inside."

Ryouga doused himself with the hot water from the kettle, turning back
into Ranma's male form.  He quickly followed Cologne into the kitchen,
stepping on Mousse's back on the way in and thanking whatever lucky gods
may be listening for delivering him here so swiftly.

Lying in the open alley door, Mousse groaned pathetically.  He hadn't
been able to make out what Cologne and Ranma had been whispering about
but he was sure it was nothing good.  Why did Cologne treat him like
this?  Didn't she see how much he loved Shampoo?  Didn't she realize how
deep his love ran?  Someday he'd win Shampoo's love and then Cologne
would have to respect him.  But if Ranma was plotting something with
Cologne, it could only mean trouble for Shampoo and his undying love for
her.  Mousse would have to put a stop that in hurry!  He started to push
himself to his knees when a trash can sprouted legs and hopped into the
kitchen, rebounding off of Mousse's head in the process.  Mousse's head
bounced painfully on the pavement.  He groaned once more and passed out.

In the kitchen, Tsubasa positioned himself near the other trash cans and
watched Ryouga and Cologne.  So it wasn't Ranma after all but Ryouga in
disguise!  Tsubasa was a master of disguise but he had to admit that
Ryouga's disguise was pretty darn impressive.  He even managed to
convincingly change gender like Ranma.

Tsubasa cursed himself inwardly.  Why hadn't he thought of this before
Ryouga?  It was such an obvious tactic.  Impersonate Ranma.  If Tsubasa
pretended to be Ranma, he could easily win Ukyou's affections.  Tsubasa
hunkered down in his trash can and dug through his costuming field kit.
A quick inventory told him he had everything he'd need for a Ranma
disguise.  Tsubasa started to slip into his Ranma outfit, glad he had
chosen a fair-sized trash can for his reconnaissance, but was
interrupted as the lid of the trash can was removed.  Tsubasa threw up
his hands desperately to ward off the vegetable and meat scraps Shampoo
dumped into the can.  Tsubasa picked a chicken bone out of his hair.
Maybe a trash can wasn't such a great idea after all.

Shampoo replaced the trash can lid and joined Cologne and Ryouga by the
door to the dining area.

"Now that you're here, Ryouga," Cologne said.  "We can begin the final
stage of our plan to destroy Ranma's life in Japan by betraying the
trust of the Tendos.  But first we'll have to remove the real Ranma from
the scene."  Cologne glanced at the spice and condiment racks on the
kitchen walls.  She kept them well stocked and there were at least five
unopened bottles of pickled ginger root.  "We appear to have run out of
ginger root.  I certainly couldn't make a decent Deluxe Ramen without
ginger root.  Shampoo, please ask Ranma to run out and pick some up for
us."  Shampoo nodded to her great grandmother and went into the dining
area.

Ryouga peeked through the shutters in the window that opened between the
kitchen and the dining area.  The restaurant was empty except for the
large table at which Ranma, his father, Soun Tendo, Kasumi, Nabiki, and
Akane were having dinner.  Soun, Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane seemed to be
enjoying their dinner although Akane looked a little on edge.  She was
obviously upset about something.  Most likely, Ryouga realized, it must
have been something Ranma had done.  Ranma and Genma were hungrily
wolfing down ramen with a stack of empty bowls sitting beside each of
them.  Ranma glanced up from his bowl as Shampoo approached the table.

"Ranma," Shampoo smiled.  "Great grandmother run out of ginger root for
ramen.  Ranma go get more, please?"

Ranma set down his bowl.  "What?  Now I gotta work for my dinner?  I
thought this was supposed to be free."

Shampoo frowned.  The plan couldn't work if Ranma was still here. "Great
grandmother no can make ramen without ginger root.  If no ginger root,
no more ramen."

Genma looked up from his empty bowl and slurped up the last noodle
hanging from his mouth.  "Ranma!  Is that any way to repay Shampoo's
hospitality?  Haven't I raised you to have better manners than that! And
besides that," Genma continued, gesturing to the others at the table.
"We're all still quite hungry."

Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi looked up from the half-finished bowls they'd
been picking at for the last twenty minutes.  Even Akane had eaten as
much as she cared to already.

Ranma slammed his fist on the table.  "You're the one eating like a pig!
If you're still hungry why don't you go get the ginger roots for her?!"

Soun folded his arms.  "Ranma, can't you show even a little courtesy to
Shampoo and her grandmother?  I don't know if I should even let my
daughter associate with such a rude boy!"

"Who says I want to hang around with him, anyway?!" Akane interjected
angrily.

"Jeez, alright, I'm going!"  Ranma stood up from the table and headed
for the door.  "I don't where I'm supposed to find ginger root at this
time of night but I'll try."

Ryouga watched Ranma leave the restaurant.  Now it would be safe for him
to enter.  No one would question his presence.  It would be easy to make
them think he was Ranma.  After Kunou and Ukyou, Ryouga was sure he
could fool anyone.  Ryouga punched a fist into his palm.  "This is it,"
he whispered to himself.  "Now I'll make Ranma wish he'd never come back
to Japan..."





[Read this in Akane's voice while envisioning quick clips from an
upcoming episode]:

I can't believe this jerk!  First Ranma flirts with Shampoo, then he has
the nerve to deny it!  I don't care if he IS supposed to be my fiance',
that doesn't mean I have to put with his girl-chasing!  Next time on
"Ranma 1/2", "A Fistful of Ranmas"  See ya there!